watch me as I bleed

I dunno..I'm feeling extremely emo today. I dont know if it's coz I'm tired but yea...emo. I've been scratching my eczema patch like crazy it's started bleeding. Thats when I stop. It's a vicious cycle.

I was dreading today and I'm glad it's over. Puffy was happy today which is good but I think I've managed to drag him down with me. When I look at him now, he's no longer smiling...he's sulking...I dont know. I feel like I've lost all purpose in life. I dont know what to do anymore. Intership meeting is on the 15th of next month and I just heard that not all will be receiving internships...fucked up right ? Why didnt they mention this BEFORE we decided to do enriched degrees. Totally defeats the purpose. Looks like I may be doing more subjects in my third yr...oh well...not so much pressure from change right ?

Get this. One of my friends thought I was a lesbian when I met her last yr. I only found this out recently and it's been messing with my head. I mean, how many people have thought I was a lesbian ? Has that affected the friends I make/dont make ? I dont know. I know, I'm rambling.

Went to one of the final BSSMelb meetings. For me that is. I wont be on the committee anymore. Gonna just jump out while I'm ahead. So our final lunch/afternoon thing that we're planning is on Saturday. AGM people so yea...please come if you want to be on the next committee.

Went to Dr YY's apartment last night for the meeting. She lives in an artsy fartsy place on Franklin that has high ceilings. The apartment itself is quite nice it's only the intercom, the lift and the area outside her apartment that are a bit dark and creepy. I dont know what it is. The gathering was fun. It was then that I think I started getting depressed. I realised there that most of the guys who came over from Brunei have been losing massive amounts of weight...it's depressing coz they're now my weight. Another one of the chicks, M, has lost like 10kgs and right upon hearing that, I figured I'd start starving myself and joining all them malay peepz in their fasting. I'm just too fat. Not happy with me.

Also found out recently that Donkee may be leaving really soon, provided he gets his scholarship. If...or should I say WHEN he gets it, he'll be leaving around the 22nd of next month. Really soon right ? Shit. I'm gonna be alone when I go home for my Summer break. Who's gonna be my look out/ my partner in crime ? Crap. But still, I hope he gets his scholarship. I mean, it'll only be 4 years before I see him again. I could visit him and vice versa during holidays anyways.

So stupid. Why cant UK and Aus holidays coincide? stupid. Yea...anyhooz..I think I've done enough ranting for now. I think I'll just force myself to go to bed or something...*sigh*

the girl without a smile

I dont know. I just havent felt the need to write lately. I feel empty to say the least. Not so much anymore coz I'm writing again. But before this. If I dont write it's coz I dont feel the need to or rather I feel it pointless to be putting 'nothingness' into words.

It seems like everyone around me has purpose, ie they have something to do. Deadlines to meet and stuff. I've practically slept and fought my weekend away. Alls well in paradise now but it feels like such a wasted weekend. I've still got my 39 line autobiography to do and my readings as well but still, I cant get myself to do all that. I just feel like cooking, eating and playing wow..haha..I know..weird right ?
Turning into a pig. LoLz.

Anyhooz, what've I been up to lately?

Radio Television Brunei (RTB) was here recently shooting the average life of an overseas student so I've been helping out with that. Been showing them around the Melbourne Uni campus, showing them my tt skills, and also acting in the pre-Hari Raya shoot. It was quite a lot of fun =) but still I dont think I'll look very good on tv. I put on so much weight..haha..dad's gonna have something to say about that for sure.

I got my E71 changed yesterday coz it started heating up big time when I was watching Tropic Thunder at Melb Central with Puffy. I didnt like it. Not wholly coz of the movie but because I was sitting next to this asian chick ( I dont really know where she was from) that kept telling her Indian bf about her home country. which sounded familar, throughout the movie. She had her feet up on the chair without her shoes on, she kept talking REALLY loudly during the movie and to top it all off...she was eating SOTONG!!! At that point I actually wished I had smelly feet that would overpower the stench. My gosh..she may as well have been eating Durian..

Well, I started playing the guitar again and of all songs I decide to learn, I chose Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" haha..it's soooo tough...so Puffy is taking a whack at it first. Anyways, back to WoW-ing

This is Karma baybeee....

It's been a weird couple of days. A lot has happened. I think Karma has gone a full cycle with me. Yesterday AS and I were on our way to IKEA Richmond. We were sitting on the 109 tram and were almost at our destination. We had two Greek ladies sitting in front of us.

AS and I were both listening to our Ipods coz it's the only way we can sit on long tram rides without getting sick. I took my earphones out to tell him something when all of a sudden the tram lurched forward in an attempt to stop. I had to try really hard to stop from flying forward into the old ladies. AS tried to stop himself and me in the process by squishing me against the side of the tram interior.

We didnt know what all the commotion was about. When we looked out the left windows we saw that the tram stopped coz it got hit by a car that ran a light. A bit shook up but still alright we got out of the tram to wait for another one. The driver was alright but a bit traumatized by the incident as well. I know it's protocol but still the tram driver was nice enough to check up on all of us to see if we were ok.

We got on another tram coz it didnt seem that the accident affected us much. I was thinking this whole time "This is Karma". On the other tram, we were standing coz all the seats were taken and I got this phone call from a withheld number. I thought it was my dad but found out it wasnt when I answered the call.

"Hi, is this Stephanie ? I'm a Yarra tram inspector and I'm calling because ST didnt validate her ticket. She claims to be your housemate so I'm just calling to check if the address she provided is correct. Can you please tell me your house address?"

Haha. That was quite odd coz when he said Yarra tram inspector, I was thinking "how did he get my number ?" and "that was quick". I thought he was calling about the accident we just had. Haha..

It's funny how karma works. I figured, I've had so much shit luck lately, it's time for some good karma, no ?

there are times

There are times where everything is all rainbows and butterflies. Where you feel like nothing can go wrong..when even bad things dont seem so bad and they can be fixed. There are times where every little flaw seems so cute and you wanna see more of everything.

Then there are times where you feel like...where the fuck did all the rainbows and butterflies go? You see the person for who he/she really is. You see the temper tantrums, the anger spells..and everything becomes clear.

You constantly wonder why is this person acting this way, etc etc.

Yes I'm truly unhappy at the moment and I dont know why.

Got a paper on friday..arghh...lets just get it over and done with..then maybe later everything will all be rainbows and butterflies again.

just for you Rach

Haha...I know..you guys are sick of hearing how I'm sorry bout not posting in a while...haha...I'm sorry...I cant help it...ALTHOUGH I have been procrastinating so badly today...hey!! at least I'm like 600 words into my essay..better than nothing right ?

What have I done today?
-research for pop culture essay
- finished the first disc of sex and the city season 1...and I dont have the rest of season one so I'm annoyed...I have the first cd of season 2 though..should I watch it ?
-almost hit level 30 in WoW..yes I know SLOW!!!! what to do ? I've been procrastinating in wow as well..you cant win em all right ?
- did some work..although VERY VERY minimal...
- watched Harry Potter 5..haha..I think Luna Lovegood is really pretty albeit quite creepy...yes I used albeit..haha...essay talk right there, yo!!

I think I'll be wasting time until arif comes over..he's been at his uni editing his work for his radio project..so yea, he and shen have been hanging out at Bundoora...and I've been cooped up at home...sitting in the same spot for 90% of my waking hours..which would make 12 hours in half an hour...needless to say I wont be catching any shut eye till this essay is done...then tomorrow I need to get started on my Net Comm essay and get my website for the Net Comm project perfected...hope all goes well man!!! Cant fuck this up...need the grades..

The only reason I decided to post today is coz of Rach..she just started up her new blog so I updated my links and decided to post for the heck of it...

oh yea, one more thing before I go...

Happy 22nd Birthday Yen Ying, Happy 1st Birthday Sophie (although you obviously cant read this no matter how much of a 'bookworm' you are) and Happy 2nd year anniversary che!!

Schizophrenic or bi polar ?

I've been doing research for my feature that's due monday..yup..gonna be skipping class again on monday morning..damn.. Need to call up 1800-SANE to tie the bow on my feature.

I've finally figured out why that $%#^& doesnt like me. I'm nothing like her...we dont dress the same, we dont like the same things, we just dont have a common thread to work on apart from the fact that she lives in the same apartment as my bf..oh well..what to do ? I cant fight with superficiality...she's really full of it. I think it's also the fact that she needs to control everything. There cant be more than one alphas in anyone place at anyone time. So, I guess I'm more of a threat now.

LoL...thats my only explanation of why she doesnt like me around. Either that or La Trobe Uni vs Melb Uni. I know it seems all too conceited but I cant think of anything else and so I just jump to whatever conclusion I can come up with.

*sigh* glad I dont need to see her on a daily basis

you just can't possibly know who your friends are anymore...

I know...I'm going into 'emo' mode at the moment and arif probably wouldnt like the fact that I used that term to describe the phase that I'm going through..but hey, it's reality isn't it ?

I just had the world's biggest reality check. It's like Brunei all over again...MAN!!! If I wanted to go through all this BS, I should've just stayed in Brunei...why waste all this money...why bother crossing borders just to experience the same thing...AGAIN...bloody hell man...

After this year, I think my life is gonna slide downhill...I wont have the people I normally have to keep me in check. Sure I have arif...I hope that's enough though. I have a way of letting things spiral badly out of control sometimes. :(

By this time next year, Rach will probably be elsewhere...someplace that's not melbourne. Ying would be done with her honours year and far away from me. :( Who's gonna have my back ?

I've come to a realisation that you cant necessarily trust people around you to be honest friends. I mean, who in the world hosts a dinner, invites your boyfriend and personally disinvites you ? Who does that nowadays ? How low would you go to show how much you DONT appreciate someone ?

I have done NOTHING...abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING to you...why do you have to treat me this way? I have made a decision to treat you like you dont exist. No more hellos...no more acknowledgements...you want a war...this is it...I hope you like what you've brought upon yourself. I hope you fail all your units...I mean, you ONLY study in Latrobe...if you cant do well there...where can you do well right ? Bitch...

I feel you drawing the people I used to be quite good friends with away from me. I know there's nothing I can do but watch it happen...sucks to be me right ? My dad used to say 'no man's an island'...FUCK THAT...I'm my own island...if there's no one out there that I can trust...there's just me...on my island....

you just can't possibly know who your friends are anymore...